Feel at Home, Help Out

Feel at Home, Help Out

This is the first blog where I answer a question submitted to me via email (jing13@mac.com).

Q. How do you motivate young/teenage children and grandchildren to be more helpful in doing chores around the house? Personally, I do not need their actual help to do the chores, but it bothers me to see young, healthy persons participating in the "good" things happening in the house such as eating, watching TV, using the computers, using the cars--but not offering to take the trash out or taking over when they see the old folks vacuuming, for example. Should I just say nothing?

A. I see two issues here, 1) Why can’t I just easily tell these young people to take the trash out or finish this vacuuming for me? 2) Why are these young people not naturally inclined to help out when they see someone, especially the older folks, doing chores in the house?

       On the first issue, we are reluctant to tell ‘visitors’ to do something because in our minds they should have volunteered to help out without being asked as a sign of good upbringing. We also are careful with what we say because we might lose their affection. Meanwhile by not telling them to help out, we continually feel the inner conflict as to whether we should or should not tell them to help out.

      My sister-in-law modeled to me one way of solving this dilemma. On the first night of our visit, the dining table was all set, food was on the table and we were served like guests. On the second day, she announced, “Yesterday, you were guests, now you are not. Food is cooked, it is on the stove. Serve yourselves and take care of the dishes.”

      We did as told with no reservations. I actually admired her for doing so. I see the logic in this. With everyone helping out, the task is light for any one individual and no one is burdened with having to do the task all by herself.

      We may not feel as comfortable as my sister-in-law. That’s not our style. That’s hers and it fits her personality and she had a lifetime of practicing that behavior.

       Another faulty reaction to this situation was modeled by another sister-in-law. She was complaining to me how everyone simply drops dirty dishes into the sink, all day long. When she gets home from work, she has to load the dishes first into the dishwasher so she has a clear counter space for dinner preparation. She was really all worked up with her frustration. I was thinking to myself, ‘This complaining is not doing her any good. She is talking to me when she should be talking to the people who need to hear her.’

       I excused myself and gathered all the people in the house who need to hear her for a meeting at the dining room table. I explained to the group that we were in a meeting. This means, one person and only one can talk at one time. We do not interrupt, we let the speaker finish, we get a chance to speak when we get our turn.

    The meeting went smoothly. Issues were raised and heard. Suggestions for addressing the problem were given. A few months later, I observed during my next visit that everyone loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. No dishes were left on the counter or in the sink. Problem solved.

      You may not want to have a group meeting. Then try the one-at-a-time method. Select the one individual that you feel most at ease in having a conversation. Talk to this person calmly about how nice it would be if he/she could empty the trash as a regular chore. That would really help you out. Then go ahead and show how it is done. Usually the helper will call his/her brother or sister and call attention to the chore. The two of them will do the chore together. Once that’s done, they come to you and ask for more jobs. They enjoyed helping out.

      Children like to do grown-up jobs. They did not know what was expected of them because no one told them. They did not help out because no one invited them to do the household chore. “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

       It is our duty as adults to teach them how to do chores and to help out where they see help is needed. We open doors for someone carrying things. We assist someone carrying a table or chair. Thoughtfulness is taught. Consideration is learned. Gentle reminders are consistently given until the act has become internalized.

     From these examples, one can formulate one’s unique way of addressing this situation. The goal is to teach the young people to help out, to be on the lookout for opportunities to help and to see the chore as a joyous contribution in return for all the benefits we receive (food, home, entertainment). It is a considerate thing to do, it is a community building activity to do and it is the right thing to do.

      Send your comments by clicking on the word comments found at the end of this article. Ask a question and suggest a topic for discussion. Happy Three Kings’ Day!