Developing Attitudes of Helpfulness and Sensitivity to the Needs of Others

Developing Attitudes of Helpfulness and Sensitivity tto the Needs of Others

I will address a follow-up question to the one addressed on January 6th.

Q. I wish my young grandchildren to voluntarily be helpful and sensitive to the needs of others. I am sad that they do not have that helping attitude more so than that they do not help me. How can I help them become more helpful to everyone? Should I point out to them when they miss the opportunity to be helpful, or would that make them resentful?

A. The one thing we do not want to fall into is to nag or to be insistent. The first one annoys them, the second one causes them to be resentful. What do we do then to bring the desired attitude?

      First, we have to realize that values, attitudes, habits, customs and language can only be learned from other people. Learning in this case is not an overnight process. Dr. Maria Montessori called it the three levels of obedience (The Absorbent Mind, chapter on Three Levels of Obedience). 

The Absorbent Mind

      During the first level, a child may obey sometimes and sometimes not. During the second level, the child obeys all the time. During the third stage, the child anticipates what is needed and runs to do the adult’s bidding even before the adult says the command. How does this happen? How was it developed? How was it taught?

      A child of three years comes into the Children’s House as among the youngest children in the group of a three-year multi-aged grouping. The teacher from time to time assigns an older child of four or five years to help the three year old to learn a few basic things, how to roll a rug, for example. The five year old starts rolling the rug halfway then allows the three year old to complete the task. Help can be shown in learning how to sweep, or set the table for lunch.

      This partnership is a win-win situation. The older child loves being helpful, feels responsible and develops a closer friendship with another child through work. The simpler activity also gives the older child a chance to review some activities that may not have been touched lately.

      The younger child feels rooted or embedded into the classroom, learning from a patient peer mentor. One sometimes learns better from an older child than from an adult. The older child has more patience since one has just recently experienced this learning process first hand. Like magic, the three year old grows up to be four then five and becomes a teacher-leader to the new three year old starting in the class. The helpfulness learned keeps getting passed on to the next and to the next. In other words, one gives back what one has received. One behaves in the same way it was modeled to him/her.

      At home, a child of two years can begin to follow one-step commands such as taking something to the garbage can or to the recycling bag. Two factors are at play here: 1) the child’s need to be constructively active 2) the child’s need to be part of the family.

      The child needs to be constantly doing something. If we do not channel these energies into something purposeful, the child will be engaged in useless and sometimes destructive activities. The appreciation the adult shows when the child is able to execute the simple command encourages the child to obey the next one. The child identifies with the adults in the household and shows this identification by doing something the adult asks.

      The child then moves to the next stage of doing a task with the adult such as: setting the table together, sweeping the stairs, dusting the furniture, Through repeated number of times watching while assisting in the task, the child graduates to being able to do the task all by himself/herself. Thus he/she will be able to set the table alone. It is important that we do not expect perfection at the beginning of this stage. Just quietly turn the plates or exchange the placement of forks and spoons. In the case of sweeping, just let the dirt in the corner go for now. Sometime in the future, a fresh new lesson on getting the dirt on the corner can be given.

      What if the children are already teenagers and they have not learned to be helpful and sensitive to the needs of others, what can we do? We can do something to remediate the situation. Here I will have the assistance of Kohlberg with his stages of moral development.

Moral Development: A Guide to Piaget and Kohlberg

Promoting Moral Growth: From Piaget to Kohlberg

      At the first stage, we do things because we do not want to be punished. We model how the task is done, discuss and agree on a logical consequence for not doing the task. For example, dishes have to be cleared from the dining table and washed or loaded into the dishwasher before going to the movies. The consequence is not thrown at them at the last minute but rather they have been discussed and agreed upon with the group.

      At the second stage, the motivation to help stems through an even exchange we offered to them in return for them doing something for us. “I will take you to the Ravinia concert if you help me clean the garage.”

      At the third stage, they are pleased when we show appreciation for what they did to help. “I like how the garage looks now that you helped in the clean-up. I could not have done this without you.”

      During the fourth stage, we do things because it is the rule. Supposing the family has agreed that at 8:00 PM on Wednesdays everybody cleans up. When the clock strikes eight, everybody does his/her chore as assigned to him/her at a previous meeting. There is a sense of community in everybody doing the same type of chore at the same time. It is also fun.

    During the fifth stage, one feels responsible and equipped to study family challenges and suggest rules and roles that members of the family may take.

      At the highest stage of moral development, one does a chore because one sees, thinks and feels that this is the right thing to do. We are family and we help each other for that reason.

      We begin the process by planting the seed of helpfulness and sensitivity through modeling, discussion, giving positive feedback. We trust that through consistency in our words and actions reflecting the desired values, consideration for others will blossom one day. It will because nothing is lost, energy and matter can neither be created nor destroyed. (First Law of Thermodynamics). Let me hear if this rings a bell for you. Till the next posting. Suggest questions, situations for discussion.