My father told me this story.
I find it therapeutic to write in my journal a record of the event as it
happened. (4) I write spontaneously including all details and how I
felt. A miraculous thing happens while I write:- an intuitive voice from
within offers an advice on what I could have done. Sometimes this voice
gives me insight as to what the other person’s perspective was that I
missed.
People in India complained to the guru that the snake had been frightening them
by blocking their pathway to the market with its slithering, hissing and biting
if it gets close enough. The guru talked to the snake telling it to cool
down and not frighten the people needlessly. The snake listened.
The following week, the guru found the snake weak and badly beaten. When
asked what had happened, the snake explained, “You told me to cool down, so I
did. The people took advantage of this and started beating me.”
“You can’t just lie down and allow the people to beat you until you are weak.
You have to defend yourself from getting abused. However, do not go out
of your way to scare them especially if they are not bothering you. But when
they get ready to bother you, scare them a little so they will leave you
alone.”
There is quite a bit of wisdom in that story. It is
the story of aggression, passivity and the middle ground between the two,
assertiveness.
We have no difficulty recognizing when we have been passive. We allowed
ourselves to be victimized by an aggressor. We complied with the demands
of the aggressor on something we fully oppose for different reasons: 1) to
please or appease, 2) we succumbed to the pressure to agree to the demand
although we protest strongly against it in our heart, 3) we were completely
dominated through coercion that left us feeling defeated.
We think that when we do something to please we earn points for ourselves with
the aggressor. We do not. The aggressor is heartless. He
thinks only of himself. If he demands today, he will demand again
tomorrow and the next day. We keep giving in to appease but we never
really please a tyrant. While we are pleasing somebody else against our
will, we are selling our soul. We no longer know who we are and we hate
ourselves.
The aggressor uses well calculated words to pierce at our sensitive
spots. Insults are hurled. Put-down’s are thrown and we are
called names to humiliate us. As victims, we accept these poisoned arrows
as we feel hurt and sometimes reduce ourselves to tears. We were
completely defenseless and unprepared for the assault. It happens so fast and
before we can think of the appropriate way to respond, it is over. We leave
pretending to be cordial but in reality we are nursing a wound.
To fight aggressively is not the answer. Aggression feeds on aggression
and the fight escalates further to something uncontrollable. We have to
find the balance between aggression and passivity. That is assertiveness.
Having experienced insults from certain persons, we avoid any interactions with
these people. We do not have to wrestle with lions unless we are inside a
lion’s den. To avoid fighting with lions, we stay out of the lion’s
den. (1) This is the first step.
The next step is to learn to stop the pain (2). When we learn to
stop the pain we now feel, we are just a step away from preventing things to
cause us pain in the future. We are our own worse enemy. We let
people’s words bother us. Our recurring thoughts replay what this person
said or did and we get fired up inside with hatred for the person as though it
just happened yesterday. It happened ten years ago. The fact is people
say negative things out of ignorance. They are really reflecting what is
inside them, they are talking about themselves. Every insult made against
us could just as easily have been said against them. The best path to
take is to ignore them. Do not take things personally. (3)
Say very little or none at all during a conflict. If you have to speak,
say it with firmness and determination in your voice that you
choose not to engage in petty conflicts or useless arguments. Say you
have work to do and leave. Remember that the purpose of an argument is to
win. Since nobody really wants to lose, the loser for this particular
round only retreats to plan the next attack to get even. No conflict has been
resolved and the bitter after taste of the altercation lingers for a long time.
There are books on assertiveness training. There is one specifically on “The
Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.” (5) It is not as important to be
armed with the skills of verbal come back’s to insults as it is to build an
invisible shield of peace around us to protect us from feeling the pain.
In the end we visualize the Lord of Peace giving His blessing to us
saying:
Peace be unto you.
My peace, I give unto you.
Not as the world giveth, give
I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled
Neither let it be afraid. John 14:27
No comments:
Post a Comment